I Gift Me Myself: Reflection on Leaving The Silver Age

“No matter where life will take me, I just ask for one thing; a chance to be a kind human in every single day until the time I have to be back home”. October 28th, 2019.

I would admit that I took too long to understand and giving myself a moment to stop, breathe, and think. No, I did not do those things. I used these past couple years to please others, to be always there when they needed me, to invest my energy and time when they called me, to lend a hand when they got in trouble. But, I forgot. I forgot that I needed to please myself too; I have been needing myself too; I needed to invest enough energy and time for myself too, and I could not guarantee that I was never in trouble and the closest human I can ask for help from is me myself. I badly forgot all of those and I was there for others instead which is also not bad. It is bad when I intentionally or unintentionally forgot myself. It probably is too much to say, but I had put myself in danger to please and save others. And this is not sweet at all.

To reach this stage, life had shown and taken me to a lot of events and situations where I always individually figured out how to survive, how to stay alive, and how to remain strong. It also had introduced me to many kinds of human emotions including anger, disappointment, ego, desire, craziness, and love (I am talking both fake and real ones. And because I received so much fake ones, and then I understand the real one. Many thanks to those fake lovers). This led me to know and understand how to act and react in responding to other humans’ emotions. This 25 “silver age” years, even though it sounds too long, I have mastered my surrounding, I understand action-reaction emotion flow, I already hold what actually my priorities are, and I gained the balance. Yet, I will be always learning and understanding many other things more.

However, it was really not easy to arrive here. It is not a straight line from point A to point B. It is not. It is full of dramatic random broken unstable lines instead. I have been through many ups and downs. “But, dude, how many times were you giving up?” Do not call me Sanjaya if I am giving up. I am never giving up. At least I finished story by story gently. Not only love stories, but also friendships, toxic people, work-life, being criminalized, yoga, school life, fame, being underestimated (I mean critics are fine - just watch your words), and many more I cannot write here.

I am proud of myself, yet I am not proud of myself.

I could understand how the human life system, emotion flow, surroundings, cross-cultural understandings work; I am proud of myself. I am sometimes trapped in someone’s fake feeling; I am not proud of myself. I believe that my base has been built so good, strong and balanced, and ready to face life. But this one (stupid) thing that I am trapped and controlled by someone’s fake feeling is something I really need to deal with as I am turning 26 today! This is what I need to focus on. I have to build enough and stronger seals to prevent and avoid good energy leaking, as we all know that a fake feeling always captures bad energy and vibe.

This writing is actually a self-reflection of me on what I already learned and passed this 25-years. I am leaving this silver age in hourly counting. This is also gonna be my reminder when I act stupid (again) (as always). Reminder: I must prioritize carrier and family. Avoid toxic drama.

I really appreciate life. I have been so grateful that I got many people came, stay, and/or left from my small world. I really thank you very much. All of you gave many lessons that I can utilize in watering myself, growing, and strengthening my perspective. If there was no lesson at all, I gained experience at least. And good or bad, I am glad to have that experience. I am always hoping you all get the best life according to your karma. Because it does not matter what your belief is, karma serves everybody with proper portions.

In this 26^th birthday, I need to start focusing my needs and energy for myself. It has been a while I did not visit and listen to myself. I have to do it more, fulfilling my personal needs in order to reach my dreams and goals, and prioritizing my own carrier and family. Hopefully, my karma leads me through a beautiful path and I have much good luck. And another thing, I probably am mean - but I am not fake. I wish karma can compromise that.

Finally, I just hope that I am always given a chance, every day, to be a kind person and fix mistakes I have made before the time I am called to be back home. For this, I believe that the God and ancestors will be always there and show me the way.

“So, Very Happy 26th Birthday to I Kadek Sanjaya. You have been doing so good. And you just need to remain good – how hard the situation will be. Be there for others, yet, do not forget to make your own happiness too. You are loved. The best hopes and prayers to you. Thank you for being you”.

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